A tongue n’ cheek examination of some of the popular claims, questionable family relationships, and the persistent misuse of one man’s surname just for the ‘FUN’ of it. NOT to mention: Questionable Relatives, and Other Unsubstantiated Schitt.
A Statement from the Archives
For years, heck – DECADES the name Jack Schitt has circulated through jokes, questionable family trees, workplace correspondence, and assorted corners of the internet.
Some of these accounts are amusing. Others are remarkably detailed. A disturbing number identify relatives for whom the Archives possess absolutely no supporting documentation.
The Crock O. Schitt Museum & Family Archives does not object to a good joke. Quite the contrary.
However, the continued publication of unverified Schitt has created considerable confusion concerning the family’s ACTUAL history.
Accordingly, because we feel we should — AND DEEEP’s decided she wants to sink her teeth into something juicy, the Archives have undertaken a limited examination of several widely circulated claims.
We make no promise to resolve these discrepancies.
We merely intend to document them. ….. For what that is worth.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED – A Note Concerning Additional Claims
Further exhibits will examine alleged marriages, questionable descendants, contradictory relationships, and other statements that have circulated without the benefit of consulting the family records.
Readers possessing additional claims concerning Jack Schitt are welcome to consider them carefully before repeating them.
The Archives have enough trouble with the relatives we can document. ….. seems there are people out there who WANT to claim they are a SCHITT!
Office of the Acting Chief Archivist
Crock O. Schitt Museum & Family Archives
Records are records — except when they are wrong.
A Word from Cousin Deep
I’ve been assigned to sort through several decades of people claiming to know Jack Schitt, most of whom can’t agree on who his relatives are, who married whom, or where all this Schitt came from in the first place.
My intention is to compare these stories with our family Register, straighten out a few questionable bloodlines, and determine just how many strangers have been added to this family without anybody’s permission.
Where do I think this is going? Well, I expect we’ll find some truth, a considerable amount of borrowed Schitt, and at least three relatives nobody’s willing to claim.
And if Crock thinks I’m going to clean up fifty years of other people’s Schitt without stirring up a little of our own, he’s got another thing coming.
— Deepa Aster Schitt —– YES, for all you people who love to rub my nose in my name, HAVE AT IT!
Cousin Deep, Family Archives
“The Schitt That Was Going Around Before Anybody Claimed It.”
Revised evidence chronology
| Date | What we can establish |
|---|---|
| 1968 – The Online Etymology Dictionary dates American slang “jack-shit,” meaning nothing at all, to 1968. A separate linguistic discussion identifies an appearance in S. Clay Wilson’s underground comics from that period. | “Jack-shit” exists in American slang. – Etymology, Origin & Meaning |
| Early 1970s – | The period reflected in Crock’s existing account of Jack’s childhood notoriety; not independently verified as the origin of the genealogy. |
| June 1998 – | Full Schitt family-tree joke appears in a club magazine. |
| June 1998 – Hickerson’s alleged family story – Attributed – In November 2024, someone identifying herself as Jim Hickerson’s daughter stated that he wrote the Schitt family genealogy in June 1998 for coworkers at WorldSpan/Delta and that she retained the original file. This is a specific firsthand family claim, not yet independent verification of authorship. | Hickerson’s daughter later attributes a workplace-email version to her father. – Stephanie Huesler – |
| July 12, 1999 | Full genealogy appears in a FreddysHouse forum discussion, with several details differing from later copies. |
| July 2000 | Google Groups archives show a discussion explicitly titled “Genealogy of Jack Schitt.” |
| February 19, 2001 – An AnandTech forum thread preserves the full family-tree joke, including Awe, O., Noe, the six children, the Happens marriages, and a closing signature attributed to Crock O. Schitt. | Full genealogy appears on AnandTech, signed Crock O. Schitt. |
2002 — Forwarded-email version – Documented – A Student Doctor Network posting explicitly describes the genealogy as a forwarded email and likewise closes with Crock O. Schitt’s name.
Five candidates for archival examination
| Exhibit | Circulating claim | Opportunity for mischief |
|---|---|---|
| 1. Nobody Knows Jack Schitt | The familiar declaration that nobody knows Jack. | The Register documents Jack, but knowing of somebody and knowing them personally are different matters. |
| 2. The Fertilizer Fortune | Jack’s parents supposedly operated a fertilizer empire or an establishment called Kneedeep N. Schitt. | Competing accounts cannot even agree which parent owned which enterprise. |
| 3. The Six Children | Jack and Noe allegedly had six children, including Fulla, Giva, Bull, Holy/Holie, Deep and Dip. | The family count may be familiar, but names, spellings and biographical details vary. |
| 4. The Sherlock Marriage | After divorcing Jack, Noe supposedly married a man named Sherlock, becoming Noe Schitt-Sherlock. | A wonderful opportunity to demand marriage records and ask which version of Sherlock we’re investigating. |
| 5. The Schitt-Happens Wedding | Fulla and Giva married the Happens brothers in a joint ceremony, followed by assorted descendants. | Our Archives can distinguish documented marriages from increasingly adventurous claims about the children. |
These claims appear in versions circulating from at least 2007 through 2024
Exhibit No. 1 — The Fertilizer Fortune
An Examination of the Origins, Ownership, and Movement of Schitt – The Circulating Claim
Various accounts of Jack Schitt’s family history suggest that the family’s fortune originated in the fertilizer business, generally crediting Jack’s parents with the enterprise.
The Archives find this explanation remarkably convenient. It also leaves out several generations of Schitt.
What the Family Records Tell Us
Long before Jack C. Schitt was born in 1958, the family had already established an association with manure, its handling, and its commercial possibilities.
Horace B. Schitt, recorded as a Purveyor of Manure, represents one documented chapter of that history. The family’s roots, however, extend considerably further back.
In subsequent generations, Awe Schitt became known as a fertilizer magnate, while OH [Midden} Schitt operated Needeep N. Midden, Inc., which evolved into Needeep N. Schitt as time progressed. Heer daddy knew transportation; his little girl soaked all that up.
By the time Jack arrived, Schitt was hardly a new commodity, there were all kinds of schitt being used … cow, horse, lamb, chicken, mule … GOAT … pig, just how many different kinds of schitt do you want to read about?
Indeed, one might reasonably conclude that Jack inherited more Schitt than he ever personally produced, and that is saying something when you refer to Jack!
The Question of Distribution
The circulating accounts generally fail to explain what became of all this Schitt. The Archives consider this a significant omission.
Possessing Schitt is one thing. Moving it is quite another. … see SCHITT’S Business
And as any reasonably experienced resident of McNasty County can attest, Schitt may be moved by wagon, shovel, wheelbarrow, commercial arrangement, marriage, inheritance, or the occasional well-placed rumor.
Some methods are more respectable than others. All have been employed with varying degrees of success.
The family Register establishes that Jack married Noe in 1980. What followed was not simply the continuation of a family line, but the considerable expansion of its opportunities for distributing Schitt.
The precise extent of Noe’s contribution remains a matter upon which the Archives welcome additional testimony.
Archival Determination
The fertilizer connection is sustained. The claim that the family fortune began with Jack’s parents is historically incomplete according to the established family Register.
The origins of Schitt predate Horace, its commercial handling continued through Awe and OH, and its subsequent distribution involved considerably more people than most circulating accounts acknowledge.
The Archives therefore offer the following clarification: – Jack had Schitt. Noe and family moved it.
How they moved it, where it went, and who ended up with it remain subjects of continuing investigation.
Exhibit No. 1 — Provisionally closed, subject to the discovery of additional Schitt.
— Deepa Aster Schitt
Cousin Deep, Family Archives
Investigation: Where did Jack Schitt actually come from?
Exhibit No. 2 — Who the Hell Is Jack Schitt, anyway?
An Examination of a Man, a Name, and Several Decades of Uninvited Public Commentary
The Circulating Claim
For decades, people have cheerfully informed friends, relatives, coworkers, and complete strangers that they don’t know Jack Schitt.
The Archives find this declaration rather presumptuous.
Jack C. (Clay) Schitt was born in 1958, a member of a family whose history stretches considerably further back than the internet, office email, or the fellow who first thought it amusing to announce that nobody knew him.
The family knew Jack. ….. Some of them probably wished they didn’t.
Before the Internet Got Involved
By the early 1970s, Jack’s name was already attracting attention, according to Crock’s recollections. People took considerable pleasure in shouting it across streets and parking lots.
Jack, meanwhile, was developing a reputation that required very little assistance from strangers.
Consider the summer of 1968.
At approximately ten years of age, Jack received a beginner’s bow-and-arrow set from his father, Awe Schitt.
What began as a childhood interest in archery eventually became an incident involving the family property, a rotten oak stump, an unfortunate combination of materials, and a noise that apparently attracted the attention of everyone who could still hear.
The Archives possess an account of the incident, together with a surviving photograph whose evidentiary value has been described as limited but annoyingly consistent.
Readers interested in Jack’s early judgment are directed to Jack Schitt Learns Archery. – We recommend reading it before making any claims concerning the boy’s innocence.
Then Everybody Else Got Involved
The expression associated with Jack’s name was circulating in American slang by 1968. Whether those early speakers knew our Jack is doubtful, although the Archives have not interviewed them nor found anyone willing to admit to it.
By June 1998, elaborate accounts of Jack’s family relationships were circulating in print. Other versions appeared in forwarded emails and internet discussions. Once again, people from all over claiming that THEY knew Jack Schitt.
Some were attributed to individuals outside the family. Others dragged and carried the name Crock O. Schitt into this mess.
Apparently, possessing a keyboard was sufficient qualification to become a Schitt family historian.
The Archives do not object to this enthusiasm. We merely observe that the number of people claiming familiarity with Jack appears to exceed the number who can provide a satisfactory account of his life.
The Archives’ Position
Jack was not an angel. He was not responsible for every story told about him, either.
Both observations can be true, regardless of what his relatives, former acquaintances, or the internet may prefer to believe.
The family Register establishes his place in the Schitt lineage. The surviving stories establish that his behavior has occasionally supplied the public with material. The internet supplied considerably more.
Archival Determination
Jack Schitt is recognized by the Archives as a documented family member. Claims that nobody knows him are therefore regarded as exaggerated.
Claims that everybody knows him are equally suspect. His reputation remains under review, although the Archives acknowledge that Jack himself has made its defense unnecessarily difficult.
Exhibit No. 2 — Open, subject to additional testimony and the discovery of further questionable behavior.
— Deepa Aster Schitt
Cousin Deep, Family Archives
Exhibit No. 3 — Six of One, Half a Dozen of Somebody Else’s Schitt
An Examination of Jack and Noe’s Children, Their Alleged Accomplishments, and the Relatives Nobody Remembers Inviting
The Circulating Claim
According to numerous versions of the popular Jack Schitt family history, Jack and Noe produced six children: Fulla, Giva, Bull, Holy, Deep, and Dip….. at least that is the names the vast majority of the internet has circulated. Is that right? ……….
The Archives acknowledge that this particular account comes surprisingly close to the family records, but not close enough. Naturally, that makes us suspicious.
While the circulating versions generally agree on the number of children, they demonstrate considerably less discipline when describing what those children did, whom they married, and how many additional people eventually became involved, not to mention the dang names themselves!
The Archives have therefore undertaken a preliminary examination to sort out what we know, from what people THINK they know.
Six Children. Considerably More Trouble.
Fulla Schitt – [Fulmala Schitt]
Fulla appears frequently in the circulating accounts, particularly in connection with the Happens family.
The Archives recognize Fulla as a member of the established family lineage. Her relationship with the Happens family, however, deserves examination beyond the abbreviated accounts circulating online. One cannot simply marry into another family and expect the Archives to overlook what Happens afterward. [pun intended!]
Giva Schitt – [Giverny Schitt]
Giva also appears in the popular genealogies, frequently alongside Fulla.
The Archives have observed that the two are often discussed together, as though one could not possibly have accomplished anything without the other. Giva may have something to say about that.
Bull Schitt – [Buland Schitt]
Bull’s name has become so familiar that people frequently employ it without any apparent awareness that they may be referring to an actual member of the family. The Archives consider this an unfortunate development. Bull, on the other hand, may regard it as free publicity, for what good that does.
Holy Schitt
Here the Archives request a measure of restraint. The family Bible preserves the memory of Holy Schitt, the infant daughter of Jack and Noe.
Her name may appear in circulating jokes, but the family record deserves to be treated with the same care afforded any child whose life was brief.
Not every entry in the Schitt family history was written for laughter, even if your name is Schitt.
Deep Schitt – [Deppa Aster Schitt]
Deep’s appearance in the circulating genealogies has caused particular confusion. The Archives caution readers against assuming that every person bearing the name Deep Schitt is the same individual.
Our own Cousin Deep, Deepa Aster Schitt, has expressed considerable irritation at this recurring misunderstanding. She has also requested that people stop asking whether she personally knows every other Deep Schitt.
Her request has thus far been unsuccessful.
Dip Schitt – [Dimple Schitt]
Dip, frequently mentioned alongside Deep (a twin is ALWAYS going to be a twin), is another established member of the family.
Unfortunately, the circulating accounts have encouraged the public to regard the two as interchangeable sources of questionable judgment.
The Archives reject this conclusion, at least on the surface and we are not going to discuss judgement in any form. They are perfectly capable of exercising questionable judgment independently and have proven that on more occasions than we can count.
The Problem With Everybody Else
The principal difficulty is not the six children. It is what happens after the internet finishes counting them.
Spouses appear. Additional descendants materialize. Family relationships change between versions. Occasionally, an individual acquires a new surname without the inconvenience of a documented marriage.
Some of these relationships agree with the surviving Register. Others require further examination. And a few appear to have been introduced solely because somebody discovered another amusing combination of words they chose to use together.
The Archives do not object to creativity. We do, however, prefer that strangers refrain from joining the family without introducing themselves.
Archival Determination
The six-child account is substantially consistent with the established Schitt family narrative.
The popular accounts are considerably less reliable concerning individual histories, marriages, and subsequent descendants.
The Archives will therefore examine those claims separately rather than dismiss the entire family on account of a few questionable relatives.
The names are familiar. The relationships require attention. And the number of people claiming Schitt ancestry appears to be increasing faster than the family can reasonably explain.
Exhibit No. 3 — Six children acknowledged. Additional claims remain under examination.
NOW – taking a moment to address claimed brothers and sisters I know absolutely NOTHING about ….. TWO additional names in an alternate internet version:
- Big Schitt — claimed as Jack and Noe’s first son. *** Don’t know him, never met him, no idea who he is or IF he is…..
- Im Schitt — claimed as another daughter. *** Never heard or seen her (I’m one of the youngest twins and never heard this name uttered)
The version claiming seven children, omits Holy, and substitutes Big and Im alongside Deep, Dip, Fulla, Giva, and Bull. AGAIN – no proof, no pudding, no idea why or who these two are but not claiming wither at this point.
— Deepa Aster Schitt
Cousin Deep, Family Archives
Personal notation: I am getting mighty tired of explaining which Deep I am. And Dip ain’t helping.
Closing Remarks — The Schitt Is Still Circulating
The Crock O. Schitt Museum & Family Archives recognizes that the stories surrounding Jack Schitt have entertained generations of readers, listeners, coworkers, and unsuspecting acquaintances.
We have no desire to put an end to that tradition. … we will contend that we do not believe Jack is entertaining – quite the opposite, but our opinion!
Our examination has established that the family history extends well beyond the familiar jokes, that some circulating accounts bear a remarkable resemblance to our records, and that others have introduced relatives whom nobody in the family seems particularly eager to acknowledge.
We expect additional versions to surface. We also expect them to disagree. The Archives consider both developments entirely normal.
Museum Notations
Regarding authenticity: The Archives maintain their own family Register, Bible, and historical collections. These constitute the Museum’s established narrative, although agreement among surviving accounts is neither guaranteed nor particularly common.
Regarding disputed relatives: Big Schitt and Im Schitt remain unrecognized claimants pending information sufficient to establish their relationship to Jack and Noe. No judgment is offered concerning their existence elsewhere. ….. evidently Crock has an opinion on this, but he was out voted.
Regarding outside contributors: The Archives acknowledge the many unidentified storytellers who have kept Jack Schitt circulating for decades. Their enthusiasm is appreciated. Their accuracy remains negotiable. Our door is always open…..
Regarding future investigations: The alleged Sherlock marriage, the Happens family connections, and other genealogical adventures remain available for examination should Cousin Deep recover sufficient patience. No one is taking bets on when that could possibly be…..
A Final Word from Cousin Deep
I started this investigation thinking we’d find a few mistakes, straighten out some names, and put a little order to the family history, nothing special.
Instead, I’ve discovered that people have been passing Schitt around for decades, adding relatives nobody remembers, and arguing over stories they probably heard from somebody who heard them from somebody else, who overheard someone mention what they heard that somebody MADE UP!
Frankly, I don’t see that changing. And I don’t particularly want it to. Just don’t come knocking on my door claiming you’re my long-lost brother unless you’ve brought something besides a joke and a last name. ….. and the opinion Crock wants to express was out voted! … TWICE
— Deepa Aster Schitt
Cousin Deep, Family Archives
The Museum welcomes curiosity, tolerates disagreement, and accepts no responsibility for Schitt acquired elsewhere.
Records are records — except when they are wrong.
Museum Notice — Unauthorized Editorial Activity
The Archives have noticed a potential complaint concerning certain remarks recently inserted nefariously into the Schitt family records.
The Chief Archivist maintains that the remarks were historically relevant, even though the remarks are totally unrelated to the page topic…..
There are those who maintain that the Chief Archivist can be an ass, more often than NOT!
Both statements have been entered into the record.
Further “discussion” has been postponed until somebody locates the office key, after they find a way to turn the breakers back on ……