For some time, a long, long time actually, many have wondered just who the hell Jack Schitt really is. I kin tell ya, after years of painstaking arduous research, several arguments, two restraining orders, and one unfortunate misunderstanding involving a goat, I am prepared to present the facts as I know them, well recall them, um believe I think I remember them, nevermind … ANYWAY…..
The Schitt family lineage goes a way back n’ begins with OH Schitt and Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate and self-proclaimed “King of Manure,” married OH Schitt, she tha owner and operator of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. – lernt from her daddy purty good. Family Bible records (justice of the peace scrawled in it) indicate the wedding occurred in a remote backwoods location under less-than-ideal circumstances. A shotgun was present. Family members remain divided on whether it was ceremonial or motivational. My take – stayin outta it.
Their union produced one son: jus ONE ….. Jack Schitt.
Now, by all accounts, Jack was an average boy. He enjoyed fishing, hunting, and making decisions that would later require explanations, potential restitution, and – well, you get the picture. One summer he attempted to train a raccoon to guard the smokehouse. Raccoon got promoted. Jack did not. By the way, NEVER lend Jack a bow n’ arrow, jus sayin! ANYWAY…
Eventually Jack got sweet on Noe Schitt n’ married her. Planned wedding, guests n’ all. We don’ think she’s a cusin removed, can’t prove that! Them’s fightin words anyway ….
For reasons nobody has adequately explained, the couple experienced a sudden religious awakening (kinda what people call – come ta Jesus moment) after Jack accidentally backed his truck through a church picnic, wrong gear ….. Before ya git all riled up, no chickens were harmed and little Jimmy was snatched outta the way. Little Jimmy still points at pickup trucks when nervous. Doctors say he’ll grow outta it. The boy’s fine. Now, following this event, agin only the lord knows WHY – they became deeply devoted (abidin by the GOOD Book to be ‘prosperous’) and went on to produce six children: Holy Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and then – them dang twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Lawd have mercy!
Sadly, (lower yer head spectfully!) Holy Schitt passed away shortly after birth.
A terrible loss. Cute kid. Had her mother’s eyes. Brown I believe…
Anyway…..
Now — Deep Schitt caused considerable family embarrassment by running off and eloping with Dumb Schitt, (cousin third removed- kin prove that one) a high-school dropout whose primary career objective appeared to be avoiding employment. Purty good at it too! Dumb once held a job fer near three consecutive days before the bar keep noticed yer not supposed to drink BEHIND the counter! ANYHOOT – Their wedding reception ended abruptly when Dumb ass – NO WAIT- Dumb Schitt attempted to prove he could jump a riding mower across a drainage ditch. Not gittin into the Ass family tree taday!
Medical records remain sealed on that!
Meanwhile, after fifteen years of marriage, Jack and Noe divorced. Jus sayin – fifteen years A LONG TIME!
Family accounts differ as to the cause. One version mentions a frying pan.
Another mentions onions. A third mentions whiskey.
The only point all witnesses agree is that Jack spent the night in the barn. Not sayin a damn thing about the goat ….. Court records indicate I am legally prohibited from sayin a damn thing about the goat. …. ANYWAY!!!
Noe left n’ not soon after the next mornin, and then, next thang we heard, she married Ted Sherlock at the court house. Thinkin maybe a summer past, maybe, makes ya scratch yer head on that one BUT … I’m thinkin hanky panky here …..
Insisting that her children retain the Schitt surname, she became known throughout the county as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Lawd – the talk around heere…..
This generated years of confusion among census workers, came back at least three time that I know just tryin to figure that part out ….
Then, there’s Dip Schitt (the nicer of the two twins ifn’ ya ask me) eventually married Loda Schitt. Kinda peculiar them to …. Right peculiar.
The marriage was generally considered successful except for the annual Thanksgiving incident, which is still discussed in hushed tones, sumpthin about turkeys, leavin that alone.
They produced one son named Chicken Schitt. Damn shame that boy.
That boy displayed signs of nervousness from an early age. Agin … peculiar!
At age seven he reportedly apologized to a mailbox. Twice. Mailbox never accepted the apology. Hard feelings linger…. Lawd have mercy.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt remained inseparable throughout childhood n’ hell – THEY AINT EVEN TWINS. Thers kinda good and kinda bad to that one … double trouble comes ta mind … little devil children if truth be told … ANYWAY…
The sisters eventually married the Happens brothers in a double wedding ceremony. NO SHOTGUNS AT THIS ONE. Really short though, nuthin burned down —– yet!
The newspaper announcement proudly proclaimed:
SCHITT-HAPPENS NUPTIALS DRAW RECORD ATTENDANCE
The reception was a tremendous success until a decorative flamingo caught fire and spread panic through the buffet line. Gotta love it, GREAT wedding reception until the venue burned down due to faulty wiring (it WAS the flamingo!) but records are records n’ ya can’t implicate a flamingo, can ya? . County Fire Marshal agreed. Suspiciously quickly ifn’ ya ask me. … BUT I digress –
Fortunately, only the potato salad was lost, granny Schitt’s dentures still AWOL. Last seen near the potato salad. Investigashun remains open.
Their children included Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Hoarse Schitt.
The less said about Byrd’s pet emu business, the better. Odd cousins ifn’ ya ask me!
Bull Schitt, the family adventurer, left home to see the world.
After several years abroad, including a period in which family members were uncertain whether he was in Italy or simply lost, boy never could read a map, heard he got lost in his own room – Took three people and a hound dog to find him. Boy was behind the door the whole time. – but … Bull returned with a new wife named Pisa Schitt.
At the annual reunion she announced she was expecting a son.
The family celebrated the upcoming arrival of Baby Schitt.
Jack reportedly laughed so hard he fell out of a lawn chair.
Hospital records confirm this event.
ANYWAY – now there you have it. Said my peace n’ swear its truth and if any of ya disagree, take it up with Cousin Deep, the goat, or the county records office. They all know more than I do. Lawd help em. WHICH —— ya gotta luv it —— leads me to discussin – The Official Schitt Family History and Associated Regrets !