ARCHIVE HOLDINGS
Current Collection Status
Schitt Family History
Status: Partial Recovery
The Goat Era (1811-1847)
Status: Active Research
Annotated Regrets
Status: Expanding Rapidly
Unidentified Documents
Status: Under Review
Witness Statements
Status: Highly Questionable
Goat-Related Records
Status: Surprisingly Complete
We gunna go back to colonial times, the 1600’s … THAT is where all this schmuck gets started! Yes indeed. We need ta talk about ole Bartholomew Schitt (1694–1748) this, well claimin anyways, man, he was the first documentd Schitt in the colonies that I knowd of. Finally arrived in Virginy after being asked to leave three ports, two taverns, and one church congregation. Now, back then ports n’ taverns were jus normal to git kicked outta ….. but a church congregation? … Hum, come ta think of it – THAT may be WHY Jack felt a callin all them years later ….. ANYWAY Family records say he was a cooper by trade. — Court records tell it otherwise.
Well – here tell Prudence Mercy Smith gotta hold of Bartholomew after another tavern toss and thought she could set him right …. Nope, didn’t work at all, … she tried, OH she tried to fix-a-Schitt, but instead they ended up with a son -peculiar son, but still a son – Parrot Schitt. Some say peculiar, some say odd … kinda like that last piece of the puzzle that don’t fit anywhere. Boy was sumpthin.
Now Parrot growd up some but times were dark. By the late 1760’s things were getting’ tuff. Not much longer n’ the Revolutionary war was gunna start. This boy claimed to have fought in twelve battles. Military records showd he attended ONE — tavern fight (jus like dad) n’ after got drug off to a battle or two, thou that may jus be that the tavern hadn’t worn off yet. Boy could spin a story, he could.
NOW, where were we ……. Oh yea —- Polly, wait – NO Parrot … augh, anyways, laws — afta the war – or he sobered a bit, he got snobgobbed by a girl nam’d Polly Bird … n’ yea, she ws soon ta be Polly Schitt. Parrot n’ Polly was scrappin by, farmin jus won’t their cup a tea, family wus, well lookin at them funny. Not long after ole Parrot run inta a feller by name of Wilder N. Schitt …. Who knew cousins fifth removed would show up. Somehow – go figure – Wilder talked Parrot n’ Polly into going out west with him. Hum, makes ya wonder. Wilder had kinda a head on his shoulders but meant well.
OFF they went … Parrot, Polly, & Wilder N. Schitt … wagon and all. Supposed to of gone WEST —- these are Schitt’s … started west a little, went n’ hooked north a bunch afor they figured out West agin … Missouri, Wisconsin, Dakota … not sure, but out there somewheres. Now Wilder was known to be a bit worldly, maybe kinda smart, NOT cleaver but enough. He started out with a map, ended up that unfortunately Polly was carrying it….. didn’ KNOW it was a map, n’ forgot jus what she did with it. LAWD give me strength. ………… the longer the wagon went ……… the longer all Wilder could hear was — Parrot – Polly- Parrot- Polly- Parrot- Polly ….. jus damn, it can break a man.
Any a way – their wagon runed up on some other wagons, and for a time, the wagon riders exchanged stories, ideas, belief’s. N’ ya wonder jus WHERE the sayin … NEVER discuss religion or politics came from! God have mercy, the wagons split up … Ole Wilder’s buzzin something fierce, just tryin to git his head back. For he knew it, things git quiet ….. odd kinda quiet. Hum …. Guessin Parrot n’ Polly hitched a ride on another wagon – vaguely recall some woman named Calamity, a looker and a talker … thinkin Polly found lost kin …. Anywho
Now Wilder could focus on his fortune he was gunna find. Found sumpthin alright … a damn swamp, WHY – who knows, lost his mind n’ stayed anyways. Decided he was gunna found this settlement – later to be crystened – Little Schitt Crossing n’ known for miles around ….. people talk ….. ya jus don’t SEE goats in the middle of a swamp unless yer in Little Schitt’s Crossing – then ya do. Word has it the population peaked somewhere about 13 …. Odd, but three were relative Schitts. No one knowd jus HOW more then one Schitt can find a swamp but they did … goats … cousins … tryin REAL hard not ta think about it. Narry had any trouble with Indians …. Probably cuz of the goats ….
That brings us up ta — Well, the Civil War. Now I kin tell ya sompthin I’m sure you never knowd …… Believe it or not – family even has a General Schitt in the ranks …. Yess sir — Lieutenant General Boregard Bullion Schitt. Guessin ya never knowd it cuz ya can’t find it written anywhere ….. told it musta been one of them battlefield promotions er sompthin. They did that I’m told. Family’s been divided over that fact for near onta 75 years. ….. n’ It’s the Schiester side that’s agin it.
Now the wild old west has a way of beatin the family tree down … many a family lost everythin they had somewhere between the Mississippi River and anywhere west … but we is talkin about the Schitt’s … no matta how hard ya try, ya just CAN’t get rid of the Schitts! They’ll pop back up when ya least spect em to. … brings us to um, well …. A kinda respectable Schitt – Horace B. Schitt (Boregard- didn’t like using it even iffin Bullion was a past relative…
Now ole Horace was a respectable man, used the family name to help advance the machine innventions durin the industrial revolution nye onta round 1790’s, meybe …. Eh 1800’s. See ….steam power was makin machines do good work, factory machines did things faster, drillin machines drilled deeper and faster … farmin machines made work easier. SSOO – Horace, in good conscious with the family name … invented a steam powered manure spreader, said it would help fertilize entire fields for plantin in no time ….. tinkered with the design for months …. Machine worked perfect …. Sorta …. Well, once ya started it … it was goin! Goin! Goin! Goin! Til it ran outta steam …. No barn was safe, no house was far enough away … reportedly lost several structures at the test run ……… LAWD, people avoided that side of town for weeks …. For ole Horace, things jus didn’ work out.
For the Schitt family … times were hard to live down. After Horace, things were quite for a time, ya don’ hear much about Bertram Schitt, Lemuel Schitt, or even Mire Schitt … thou sumtimes people git frustrated sayin they’re mired in schitt, but don’ think they were speakin kindly of the man. Seems it took a good long time to forget Horace’s machine debacle.
Still, we reach the early 1900’s, the world is getting to be an ugly place. As 1914 approaches, the U.S. is bein grabbed inta the first world war, UM, times be tough. Yet, no one, no where can say Schitt’s are not patriotic – no sir. The Army got one Private Lucky Schitt, n’ boy was he ever. Survived every engagement and skuffel he got himself inta. Boy returned home PROUD! Served his country, not a scratch! After the home parade, he ended up being hospitalized after attemptin’ to pet a goat! Damn goat kicked poor Lucky three blocks up main street – quite the spectacle. Not sure WHY that goat decided he needed set straight, but it happened. Lucky took three months to recover n’ won’t go near a pettin zoo.
After the war, times here in the States were hard. Even Schitt’s were running into difficulties they’ve never encountered before …. Sure, crossing the Atlantic was hard, goin’ west was hard, seein’ manure spread for miles & miles was well … no words … man tried. ASUGH – Great Depression came on everybody. Bout that time … family birthed a boy, much confusion bout the name. LAWD, by the time the birth records were found – another Schitt discovery — boys name — Broke P. Schitt. Boy was learned … wrote everthin’ down he heard, WHY – no one knew – but … ya could ask him sumpthin, n’ if he wrote it down, he could tell ya. Boy was a pioneer for family records. … cept, well, made the bright decision to keep his writtens in one place, jus one place … under the loose board in the chicken coop. Makes reedin tween the lines hard, specially when 8 people look at it an no one agrees on the words, smudges, hell, maybe even them HI-RO-GLIFIC’s stuff.
Now Broke P. Schitt may not have had much money, but he had notebooks. Lots of notebooks. Family stories, tavern stories, church stories, goat stories, stories folks specifically told him NOT to write down. Boy wrote every last one of ’em anyhow.
Family still uses Broke’s records to this day. Mind ya, whether they’re accurate is another matter entirely. Half the pages are smudged, quarter of ’em got pecked by chickens, and one whole volume appears to have been used as nestin’ material. Even so, if a Schitt done it, chances are Broke wrote it down somewhere.
Course, findin’ it is the hard part.
Whew ….. hard times …. NOW, world went nuts agin … started WWII LAWD — n’ patriotic as always, a Schitt stepped up agin …. SGT Deep Schitt Sr. no DIRECT relatin to the later Deep Schitt twinn, er so the Scheister side contends … but then that bunch wuda contend the sun commin up ifin they thought they could win it. LAWD … back to SGT Deep. His military file is unusual ….. at least three pages stamped – further inquiry not recommended, nother half a dozen stampted NOT ON FILE, n’ yet another bunch stamp’d ‘Unable to figure out if any classification exists’ … there ya have it. Not sayin’ it, but probly one of them spy fellows they don’ talk about much.///