Archival Event Record — 2003
What began as a double wedding between two Schitt sisters and two Happens brothers has survived in the family record largely because almost nothing thereafter went according to plan.
THE COUPLES
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt grew up together and, according to the surviving family account, remained nearly inseparable into adulthood. They were sisters, though later retellings occasionally managed to promote them to twins.
Sometime before 2003, the sisters became involved with brothers Merle Happens and Jed Happens. Precisely how the four met has not survived in any account presently held by the Archives—which may be fortunate.
By 2003, both couples had decided to marry:
Fulla Schitt & Merle Happens
Giva Schitt & Jed Happens
The decision to combine the two marriages into a single ceremony appears to have been deliberate.
What happened afterward appears considerably less so.
THE WEDDING
The double wedding of Fulla Schitt and Merle Happens, and Giva Schitt and Jed Happens, took place in 2003.
Surviving accounts describe an ambitious but initially conventional affair: guests, flowers, cake, two brides, two grooms, and—according to one particularly emphatic account—“NO SHOTGUNS AT THIS ONE.”
The ceremony itself appears to have been completed without significant incident. Both couples emerged legally married, producing the names by which the brides subsequently appear in the family record:
Fulla Schitt-Happens
Giva Schitt-Happens
Local interest in the unusual double ceremony apparently exceeded expectations. A surviving newspaper account summarized the occasion with admirable restraint:
SCHITT–HAPPENS NUPTIALS DRAW RECORD ATTENDANCE
Whether attendance actually constituted a record has not been independently established by the Archives. The headline has nevertheless been preserved exactly as found.
Artifact 1 — Newspaper clipping
McNASTY COUNTY GAZETTE
Society & CommunitySCHITT–HAPPENS NUPTIALS DRAW RECORD ATTENDANCE
Double Ceremony Joins Two Local Families
A double wedding joining sisters Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt with brothers Merle Happens and Jed Happens drew an unusually large gathering Saturday, according to persons who claim to have counted.
The brides were attended by family and friends. The grooms arrived as expected.
Both ceremonies were completed successfully.
Reception festivities followed.
— Continued on Page 3
Figure 1. Surviving newspaper announcement of the 2003 Schitt–Happens double wedding. The clipping predates the portion of the evening for which substantially more documentation survives.
THE RECEPTION INCIDENT
The reception following the ceremony appears to have begun normally. Food was served, guests gathered, and for an undetermined period of time the Schitt and Happens families managed to occupy the same room without requiring official intervention.
That period ended when a decorative flamingo caught fire.
Surviving family accounts consistently identify the flamingo as the first visible source of trouble. The fire spread rapidly enough to cause panic near the buffet line and ultimately resulted in substantial damage to the reception venue.
Contemporary accounts later attributed the loss of the building to faulty electrical wiring. Family witnesses have remained considerably more interested in the flamingo.
The McNasty County Fire Marshal apparently accepted the electrical explanation and closed the matter. No surviving record presently establishes whether the flamingo was examined, questioned, or afforded representation.
Casualties were remarkably limited. According to the family account, the potato salad was lost.
Granny Schitt’s dentures, however, disappeared during the disturbance and were reportedly last seen in the vicinity of the potato salad. Their present whereabouts remain unknown.
Archival Status: Venue destroyed. Official cause attributed to faulty wiring. Decorative flamingo involvement disputed. Potato salad unrecovered. Dentures still missing.
Investigation remains open.
THE SURVIVING ACCOUNTS
No two surviving accounts of the reception agree completely, although nearly everyone agrees that someone else’s version is wrong.
Fulla Schitt-Happens maintained for years that the reception was perfectly orderly until the flamingo caught fire. She further insisted that nobody from her side of the family had anything whatsoever to do with its placement, wiring, decoration, purchase, transportation, or apparently its existence.
Giva Schitt-Happens disputed this, pointing out that Fulla had selected the decorations. Fulla responded that selecting a flamingo and setting one on fire were two entirely different responsibilities and suggested Giva learn the distinction.
They did not discuss the matter pleasantly thereafter.
Jed Happens remembered seeing smoke near the buffet before anyone noticed the flamingo burning. His account has generally been treated with caution because Jed also remembered there being two bartenders, a string quartet, and a chocolate fountain. No other witness remembers any of these things, and the reception records indicate they could barely afford the potato salad.
Merle Happens stated that he had warned somebody about the temporary wiring earlier in the evening. Precisely whom he warned has changed several times over the years. At various points it has been the caterer, Jed, the venue manager, Fulla, and “that fella by the door.”
No surviving account identifies a fella by the door.
Several guests insist Granny Schitt’s dentures disappeared before the fire. Others place their disappearance during the evacuation. One particularly persistent branch of the family maintains that Granny was still wearing them afterward.
Granny declined to clarify the matter.
The potato salad is less controversial. Everyone agrees it was there before the fire and wasn’t worth saving afterward.
As for the flamingo, family opinion remains divided. One group maintains that faulty wiring caused the fire and the unfortunate bird was merely nearby. Another maintains that anything found blackened beside the apparent point of origin deserves considerably more scrutiny than the Fire Marshal gave it.
A third group has repeatedly asked why there was a flamingo at the wedding in the first place.
This is generally regarded as the most sensible question raised concerning the entire affair and, consequently, has received the least attention.
Crock’s later notes contain one additional observation:
“Everybody remembers exactly what happened. Trouble is, they don’t remember the same damn thing.”
The Archives considers this an unusually concise summary of the available evidence.
Archival Assessment: The surviving accounts establish that a fire occurred, a flamingo was involved at least geographically, the potato salad suffered irreparable consequences, and several members of the family remain annoyed with one another.
Beyond that, certainty would be irresponsible.
And probably provocative.
AFTERMATH & FAMILY RECORD
ARCHIVIST’S NOTE
The Archives has made a reasonable effort to reconcile the surviving documentation concerning the 2003 Schitt–Happens wedding and subsequent reception fire.
This effort was unsuccessful.
The marriage records are not in dispute. Fulla Schitt married Merle Happens, and Giva Schitt married Jed Happens in the double ceremony described above. The reception occurred afterward. A fire occurred. The venue did not survive it.
Beyond those facts, the surviving record becomes increasingly dependent upon eyewitness recollection, family annotation, damaged documents, newspaper accounts, and individuals who have demonstrated varying levels of commitment to accuracy.
The McNasty County Fire Marshal attributed the fire to faulty electrical wiring. Nothing presently held by the Archives establishes otherwise. The presence of a damaged decorative flamingo near the apparent point of origin is therefore recorded as circumstantial, suspicious, and annoyingly inconclusive.
The Archives takes no position concerning Granny Schitt’s dentures. Their disappearance is documented; their relationship to the potato salad is not.
Likewise, no attempt has been made to determine which family member first embellished the story. Available evidence suggests that by the time anyone thought to ask, everybody had.
Later Schitt–Happens family records establish that both marriages continued and produced the next generation, proving principally that neither fire, disputed testimony, destroyed catering facilities, nor prolonged disagreement over a flamingo was sufficient to discourage further family expansion.
Archival Determination:
The wedding happened.
The fire happened.
Schitt–Happens thereafter.
The remainder is preserved exactly where it belongs:
in the family record, where nobody can fix it anymore.