The story of Jack that’s splastered all over the internet…
Got from The Official Schitt Family History & Associated Regrets —–
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Fer a long time, many kin n’ heathen people too, have wondered just who the hell Jack Schitt really is, where’d this boy come from? I knod he weren’t the FIRST JACK … thata go all the way back ta round the 1720’s, a feller named Jock O. Schitt – hear tell folks called him Jack n’ say he wus a second cousin to Amos, but that ain’t who all these people be yapping bout. NOW, I can set ya straight on it n’ tell ya, after years of rootin thru stuff no one want’d ta touch, some REEAL hard lookin’, several arguments, two restraining orders, and one unfortunate misunderstanding involving a goat, I am prepared to speak my peace n’ present the facts as I know ‘em, well recall ‘em, um believe I think I remember ‘em, dang it, nevermind … ANYWAYS.
Schitt famly line goes a way back … but where young Jack starts is with Awe Schitt n’ Oh (Midden) Schitt. — [might need ta keep up with them women’s names, just sayin, it a help later] NOW – Awe Schitt, born round 1936 was the fertilizer magnate and self-proclaimed “King of Manure”, cuz he be the PROUD decentent from Horace B. Schitt (1763 n’ nother story later) least ways accordin’ to the family register, married OH Midden in 1957, she be brought inta this world long ’bout 1937. She be tha proud owner and operator of Needeep N. Midden, Inc. – lernt from her daddy Benjamine Midden purty good. As I recall he came along ’bout 1912. Sooo, that turnt inta Needeep N. Schitt, Inc when they hitched up! Family Bible records (justice of the peace scrawled in it) indicate the wedding occurred in a remote backwoods location under less-than-ideal circumstances. A shotgun was present. Family members remain divided on whether it was ceremonial or motivational. My take – stayin outta it.
Their union produced one son: jus ONE ….. Jack Schitt. Boy popped out ’bout 1958
Now, by all accounts, Jack was an average boy. He enjoyed fishing, hunting, and making decisions that would later require splanations, potential restitution, and – well, you get the picture. Here tell one summer he attempted to train a raccoon to guard the smokehouse. Raccoon learnt n’ got promoted. Jack did not. By the way, NEVER lend Jack a bow n’ arrow n’ turn him loose with it, jus sayin! Thata be a story that boy will never forgit I tell ya … ANYWAY…
Eventually ole’ Jack got sweet on Noe Egesta n’ married her in 1980. Girl was a sweet 20-year-old then. With their union ya get Noe (Egesta)-Schitt outta that! Planned wedding, guests n’ all. We don’ think she’s a distant cusin removed, can’t prove that! Them’s fightin words anyway ….
For reasons thet nobody has adequately explained ‘er figured out, the couple sperienced a sudden religious awakening (kinda what people call – come ta Jesus moment) after Jack accidentally backed his truck through a church picnic, wrong gear ….. Afore ya git all riled up, no chickens were harmed and little Jimmy was snatched outta the way. Little Jimmy still points at pickup trucks when he’s nervous. Doctors say he’ll grow outta it. … The boy’s fine. Now, following this event, agin only the lord knows WHY – they became deeply devoted – family still divided overn’ any connection ta Bartholomew Schitt back a 1829 – (so abidin by the GOOD Book to be ‘prosperous’) they went on to have six children: Them six young’uns was named like this —– Holy (1981), Giva (1982), Fulla (1984), Bull (1985), and them dang twins Deep n’ Dip (1987). Lord O Mercy, if there ever was a household needed two extra insurance policies. So there ya have it —–Holy Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Lawd have mercy on our soul!
Sadly, (lower yer head spectfully!) Holy Schitt passed away shortly after birth in 1981. A terrible loss ….. cute kid ….. had her mother’s eyes ….. brown I believe ….. Anyway …..
Now — a one of them dang twins – Deep Schitt caused considerable family embarrassment by running off and eloping with Dumb Schitt, (cousin third removed born somewhers bout 1983- kin prove that one) Boy wus a high-school dropout whose primary career objective appeared to be avoiding any work what-so-ever. Purty dang good at it too! Dumb once held a job fer near three consecutive days before the bar keep noticed yer not supposed to drink BEHIND the counter! ANYHOOT – The Deep-Dip Schitt weddin’ reception ended abruptly when Dumb ass – NO WAIT- Dumb Schitt attempted to prove he could jump a riding mower across a drainage ditch. Not gittin into the Ass family tree taday! Sorry fer the interruptin’. RThey ain’t no yuungin’s outta those two, bless the lord, n’ nobody’s askin.
Medical records remain sealed on that incident!
Then, there’s Dip Schitt (the nicer of the two twins ifn’ ya ask me) … eventually married Loda Muck (1988) … n’ ya git Loda Schitt. Kinda peculiar them two …. Right peculiar. Meybe has sumpthin’ ta do with being a twin …..
At ther weddin’ back in 2006 it was generally considered successful exceptin for the annual Thanksgiving incident, which is still discussed in hushed tones, sumpthin about turkeys, ………… leavin that alone too.
They had a son – named the boy Chicken Schitt, born long ’bout 2007. Damn shame that boy. Thin as a rail, kinda looked like a twig from the side …..
Displayed signs of nervousness from an early age. Agin … peculiar! Then at tha ripe age o’ seven he reportedly apologized to a mailbox. …..Twice, no reason. Mailbox never accepted the apology. Hard feelings linger…. Lawd have mercy. Jus sayin that boy wus sumpthin.
Now then – Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt remained inseparable throughout childhood n’ hell – THEY AINT EVEN TWINS. Thers kinda good and kinda bad to that one … double trouble comes ta mind … little devil children if truth be told … ANYWAYS…
Well now, wouldn’t ya know it…them Happens boys, Jed n’ Merle (1980 & 1981), come sniffin’ around afore long. Reckon neither one had enough sense ta run. The sisters eventually married ‘em in a double hum dinger wedding ceremony come 2003.
Planned wedding – Guests – Cake – Flowers – NO SHOTGUNS AT THIS ONE. Mercifully short though — didn’t stay organized fer long, well nuthin burned down —– yet! Sooo Ya git Giva Schitt n’ Jed then Fulla Schitt n’ Merle . Dern girls woun’t giv up Schitt name fer nuthin SO NOW ya git Fulla Schitt-Happens n’ Giva Schitt-Happens.
The newspaper announcement proudly proclaimed:
SCHITT-HAPPENS NUPTIALS DRAW RECORD ATTENDANCE
Like I tol ya, the reception was a big success until a decorative flamingo caught fire and spread panic through the buffet line. Gotta love it, GREAT wedding reception until the venue burned down due to faulty wiring (it WAS the flamingo!) but records are records n’ ya can’t implicate a flamingo, can ya? . County Fire Marshal agreed. Suspiciously quickly ifn’ ya ask me. … BUT I’m gittin off the trail … –
Fortunately, only the potato salad was lost, granny Schitt’s dentures still AWOL. Last seen near the potato salad. Investigashun remains open.
Now then Fulla n’ Merle – they had two little ones in 2004 & 2006 –Dawg Schitt-Happens then Byrd Schitt-Happens … the less said ‘bout Byrd’s pet emu business, the better! Over at Giva n’ Jed’s place, they had themselves a BIG boy in 2006! Named him Hoarse Schitt-Happens. Honestly not sure wut happen ta tha boy ….. wus a might busy year that 2006 with all the unions n’ youngings popping every-which-a way —– Anyway
Now lets see — jus where wus I — who I got left? .. Hum, talked ‘bout Holy (rest her soul), Giva n’ Fulla, then them dang twins Deep n’ Dip … Awe yea .. Bull – can’t nary forget Bull! BUT – afor I git ta him …..
After twenty-nine LONG years of marriage, Jack and Noe divorced 2009 if I’m right. . Now I’m Jus a sayin – twenty-nine years, same woman, that’s a LONG TIME! Family accounts differ as to the cause. One version mentions a frying pan. Other mentions onions. A third, I heard tell, mentions whiskey n’ a goat …………….
The only point all witnesses agree on is that Jack spent the night in the barn. Not sayin a damn thing about the goat ….. County records says I’m legally proHIBit’d from sayin’ a damn thing ’bout the goat. … Anyways
Noe left n’ not soon after the next mornin, and then, next thang anybody heard, she’d gone n’ hitched up with that Ted Sherlock fella at the County court house —– SAME YEAR!. Thinkin maybe a summer past, maybe a season, mitta been sooner – county records ain’t zackly know’d for punctuality. STILL – makes a feller scratch his head on that one just a mite. BUT ME… I’m thinkin hanky panky afoot – but that’s stricktly my pinion, and the archives ain’t payin my lawyer fees! …..
Insisting that her children retain the Schitt surname, she became known throughout the county as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Lawd – the talk around heere…..don git granny started! Why Noe done that we’ll never know. This generated years of confusion among census workers, came back at least three time that I know’d of just tryin to figure that part out ….
See…this here’s why I keep notes. Every dang time I think I’m done, somebody reminds me I forgot Bull Schitt. Family’ll never let ya live that down.” Back ta Bull!
Bull Schitt, the family adventurer, left home to goin’ see the world. So he said anyways.
After many years abroad, including a period in which family members were uncertain whether he was in Italy or just plain lost, ….. boy never could read a map, heard he got lost in his own room – Took three people and a hound dog to find him. Boy was behind the door the whole time. – but … Bull returned with a new wife named Pisa (Spoor). So there, ya get Pisa Schitt outta that union. Said the date was in 2019. Right purty little woman, not sure how he wrangled her, but …
At the annual (when they can manage) Schitt reunion a few past Pisa ‘nounced she was expecting a little philly. The family celebrated the birth of Fecilia ROse in 2024, so now we git ANOTHER Schitt girl.
Jack reportedly laughed so hard he fell out of a lawn chair. Hospital records confirm this event.
ANYWAY – now there you have it. Said my peace n’ swear its truth and if any of ya disagree, take it up with Cousin Deep, the goat, or the county records office. They all know more than I do. Lawd help em. WHICH —— ya gotta luv it —— leads me to discussin – The Official Schitt Family History and Associated Regrets !